I hate this month more than anything. I feel like every April a scab it ripped off, and there it is again, a bleeding, gaping open wound. Once May comes it starts to heal up, slowly. I have 11 months of healing. Then it starts all over again. Everyone used to think it was so neat that I am so good at remembering dates. Trust me, it's curse this time of year. This next week is going to be hard. So hard, My stomach is knots just thinking about making it through. Today sucks, but Tuesday, Tuesday will be the roughest. If you are of the praying kind, please pray for me on these days. I hate that I remember these days, when I know that they don't. They have NO clue. NONE. In some ways I think that's good, but it some ways I don't. I hope that they have days that when they look at the calender their heart is ripped out. It's not Christian, I know.... I'm working on that. Sometimes I wish I could cry, but I'm past the crying phase. I don't have any more tears left. The only time they fall is out of frustration. Frustration that I didn't know sooner, that I didn't stop it (let's be real here, not that I could have), frustration that it hasn't turned out the way I want (although it is as good as it could be, I suppose). Frustration about the aspects of my life that it effects or will effect. Aspects that were never thought about at that time. Aspects that effect so many more people than the people that started the whole debacle. Sometimes I hate them all. Sometimes. When I get into that mindset I try really hard to remember the good that has come of it. I'll be honest though. Sometimes when I put them side by side, the good doesn't always out weigh the bad. Sometimes, I'd turn in all that good to go back and change it. Am I horrible for saying that? I don't think so, and what I think is all that really matters. I stopped caring about what people think about this situation a long time ago. If I didn't I'd have gone crazy. Everybody has an opioion, everybody thinks they know what'd they do. You don't. I promise. And I pray you never have to find out. My God is big and awesome. I know this. I know he is all knowing. I wish that I knew why things happen. In Church the sermon series as been about agony and how God uses it to make us more like him. How we can't fully minister to others unless we've suffered. It's very true. You draw closer to God, when things are the worst. You draw from His strength when you have none of your own. During that April and May I was the closet to The Lord. Closer than I've ever been.
I stopped this blog, and now I've lost my momentum. I'm still gonna publish it, but it seems to stop rather than end. I may come back in a few days. We'll see how I feel. For now though, it felt good to get this off my chest. Later...